DO take threats and acts of domestic violence seriously. Call 911 and consult with a domestic violence agency or an attorney if you feel threatened, or if you believe you or your children are in danger.
DO create an inventory of your assets. Video or photograph your property—even the things you are planning on taking with you—and keep that record somewhere safe.
DO get your debts paid down as much as possible. Regardless of how good your attorney is, or how guilty or generous your ex feels, it’s more expensive for two people to live in two houses than for two people to live in one house. Your financial lifestyle is likely to suffer, and the less debt you have, the better.
DO try to save or borrow money for an attorney ahead of time. A lot of factors go into how expensive a break up may be, but you are probably going to need at least $2,500 to get started. It could cost more if your case has complicated legal issues, or if you or your ex cares more about the fight than the outcome.
DO be prepared for the fact that this process is going to take longer than you want it to take. Arbitrary deadlines, such as “I want to be done by Christmas” are a recipe for disappointment. You can’t control the court schedule, your attorney’s schedule and workload, or the schedule or workload of your ex’s attorney. Judges, attorneys, witnesses, and parties are all subject to illness, family emergencies, work emergencies, and other interruptions that cause delays and continuances. The more patient you are, the less frustrating the process will be. Remember that the one factor you have complete control over is how fast you respond to your attorney.
DO get a P.O. Box or complete a change of address form. If your mail is being delivered to your ex’s house, you may not receive important information. And even though mail may be addressed to you, your ex would have complete access to mail you might not want them to see—especially correspondence with your attorney.
DO change your passwords on all of your accounts. This is especially true of financial, email, and social media accounts.
DO turn off the GPS tracking feature on your mobile phone, tablet, or laptop. Most mobile phones can be tracked remotely by anyone with access to the account. It can be difficult to disable this feature without help, so don’t be afraid to call your phone service provider for help. Consider getting a separate telephone account if you and your ex are on the same one. If you can afford it, it’s often best to purchase new devices entirely.
DO unfriend your ex on Facebook or other social media sites. Even the best privacy filters can malfunction, or be changed without warning.
DO assume that everything you write or say to your ex or in public will end up in front of a judge or jury. You should assume that all conversations with your ex, their family, or friends is being recorded, and that all emails, text messages, and written notes are being saved. And yes, the internet counts as “in public”.
DO consult with an attorney before dating or cohabitating with any new paramour. There are sometimes important consequences to these types of actions, and attorneys are trained to spot them.
DO consult a therapist or your attorney regarding your children’s well-being throughout the process. Children grieve in different ways and at different times with each parent.
DO trust the legal advice of your attorney over that of your friends or family members. Every case is different, and just because your sister’s friend’s neighbor got sole custody of the children and $10,000 a month in alimony after having an affair and doing drugs, does not mean that your case will turn out the same way.
DO educate yourself. You should familiarize yourself with the Montana laws relevant to your situation, and read the websites of other family law attorneys.
DO seek the advice of financial planners, tax professionals and therapists, in consultation with your attorney.
DO realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Even if your case seems like a nightmare, it will eventually be resolved. Keeping a sense of humor is as important during a court case as it is in the rest of your life—if not more so.
DON’T tell your children how you really feel about your ex. Just don’t.
DON’T check in everywhere you go on social media. In cases where you’re trying to avoid contact with your ex, advertising your location in real-time can lead to trouble.
DON’T completely empty your joint financial accounts or cause checks to bounce. This can cause damage to your marital property, and it can seriously hurt your credibility with a judge. When in doubt, consult with your attorney.
DON’T cancel life insurance, car insurance, homeowner’s or health insurance policies without first consulting with an attorney.
DON’T take the light bulbs, household fixtures, or your ex’s favorite movies or separate property. Petty is not pretty, no matter how angry you are or deserve to be.
DON’T play detective or conduct surveillance on your ex. Unless specifically advised to do so by your attorney, avoid following, photographing, audio recording, or videoing your ex.
DON’T question your children, mutual friends, neighbors, or family members about your ex’s activities. There are legal ways to get the information you think you may need, and you should consult with your attorney.
DON’T relay messages to your ex through the children. It’s not healthy for your children, the messages are often garbled, and it makes judges angry.
DON’T do or say things that will make your children feel they have to choose between you and your ex. It will make your child feel as if they have to decide which parent gets to come to their graduation, attend their wedding, or play with their children. Remember, when that happens, the parent they pick is likely to be the one who didn’t make them choose.
DON’T disappear after you hire your attorney. If you drop out of contact with your attorney, your case will stagnate, and you could lose important rights with regard to your children and property.
DON’T lie to your attorney. Remember that your private conversations with your attorney are protected by attorney/client privilege, and with very few exceptions, your lawyer cannot reveal what you’ve told them without your permission. Your attorney’s job is to advocate for you, not judge you, so there’s nothing to be gained from lying—and a lot to lose if your attorney is blindsided in trial because you told a little white lie at their office, this includes lying by omission.
